


Barriers

by koyukis



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Social Anxiety, i don't even know how to fucking tag this i'm sorry, i guess, kuroken week, ooc kuroo and kenma, yea p much, yeah probably should add that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-20
Updated: 2014-10-20
Packaged: 2018-02-21 22:26:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2484545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koyukis/pseuds/koyukis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was always something stopping him. The same thing that has always been stopping him every time he feels that strange, warm sensation in his chest, every time he sees Kuroo’s smile and every time he feels like closing the short distances he always seems to notice between them now.</p><p>It was like a transparent barrier between them. Sometimes, you couldn’t really see it and all you saw was whatever was on the other side – that one thing that you wanted to reach no matter what. But the moment your hand was outstretched and ready to grab it, your fingertips brush only the barrier’s see-through but solid walls and that’s when you realize just how close you are, yet just how far away as well. And unless you tear it down somehow, you are never going to get to whatever’s on the other side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Barriers

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so, yeah, here's a thing for KuroKen Week day 1: Insecurities. This took quite a while to write and to revise and even now, I'm still...quite unsure about it, but oh well, it's day 1 so here it is. I'm still new to the Haikyuu fandom as I just recently caught up to the manga. As such, I'm still pretty much uncertain about how I wrote Kuroo and Kenma in this fic, as I think that they're kind of OOC, so uh...warning I guess?
> 
> All comments and suggestions are welcome though and I hope you guys like it ^^. Now let me go die in a hole

“I…don’t think I can do it.”

 The volleyball that had been tossed up into the air falls back to the ground where it rolls along the earth before coming to a halt at Kuroo’s feet. The dark-haired boy ignores it, his eyes fixed solely on Kenma who stood on the other side of the net and who was refusing to meet his friend’s eyes.

“And why not?” Kuroo asks.

Kenma glances at him for a moment before quickly looking away, blinking. “I just don’t think I’m…good enough to do it.”

Kuroo raises his eyebrows before scoffing and bending over to pick up the volleyball. “What makes you say that?” He tosses the volleyball up once again and when it reaches a certain height, he jumps up and spikes it over the net, sending it flying high above Kenma’s outstretched fingertips.

The blond curses silently as his feet hit the solid ground, cat-like eyes watching as the ball lands a few feet away. “You didn’t have to hit it that hard.” He scowls at Kuroo before running to retrieve it. The other male only gives him his signature sleazy grin and a high-pitched, “Oops~ My bad!”

“And why am _I_ blocking anyway?” Kenma asks, returning with the volleyball. “Wouldn’t it be better to practice this with someone taller?”

“Everyone taller than you is apparently really busy right now.” Kuroo shrugs and stretches his arms up above his head. “So? What makes you think you’re not good enough to become the volleyball club’s official setter?”

“Could you please drop it already?” Kenma snaps, tossing the volleyball over the net a little too forcefully and causing Kuroo to nearly miss it by the tips of his fingers.

“Whoa there.” He laughs as he slides the ball onto the center of his palm. “What’s got you so worked up? I was just asking a question.”

The blond doesn’t respond immediately, choosing instead to stare intently down at the ground, and the grin falls away from Kuroo’s face just as fast as it appeared. He sighs and walks closer to the net separating the both of them. “Okay, I’m sorry…Why don’t we call it a day?”

Kenma only gives a small nod as an answer and walks over to where they placed their bags, Kuroo following at a slight distance. “Wanna stop by somewhere for some food?” He asks as he packs his volleyball into his bag. Kenma only shrugs, still not looking the other’s way, and slings his bag on his shoulder, pulling his phone out of his pocket afterwards and proceeding to immerse himself in it.

Kuroo sighs silently as he slings his own bag over his shoulder and walks after the blond, falling into pace beside him. At first, he tries to initiate conversation (“Wow, it’s getting really cold ‘round here, right?” “Hey, d’you think it’s gonna rain later?”) but only succeeding to entice a nod of acknowledgement from the silent blond.

“You know, you’re not half as cute as you normally are when you’re trying to ignore me.” Kuroo says in a serious tone, bending forward and looking sideways at Kenma to meet his eyes.

 “Wha - I’m not ignoring you.” Kenma sends a glare at Kuroo’s way before his eyes dart back to his phone’s screen.

“Huh. Sure you aren’t.” Kuroo scoffs. “Then this thing you’re currently doing, what’s it called?”

“It’s called having nothing else to say to you.”

“Oh really? Looks a lot like you’re ignoring me.”

“No I’m not. I just don’t have anything to say.”

“Except for excuses.”

Without warning, Kenma turns furiously on the dark-haired male, gold eyes suddenly glinting with an uncharacteristic anger, features twisting into an expression of irritation. “I’m _not_ making excuses!”  He shouts in Kuroo’s face. “Just fucking leave me alone already!”

Kuroo could only stare back in shock as the furious expression begins to leave Kenma’s face and is replaced by a stunned silence. For a long moment, the two could only stare back at each other in wide-eyed surprise, faces mere inches away from each other, Kenma still leaning slightly towards Kuroo – until big fat drops of water  land on both their heads and before long, it begins to rain torrents around them.

The two simultaneously look up at the dark gray clouds and Kuroo is the first to speak.

“You don’t happen to have an umbrella with you right now, do you?”

“…No.”

About five minutes later, the two are sitting on the front steps of a closed convenience store, taking shelter under the store’s front awning. Kenma clicks his tongue as he pulls his phone away from his ear and keeps it in his pocket, sitting down on the steps beside Kuroo.

“So?” Kuroo raises his eyebrows imploringly at the blond.

“No good.” Kenma sighs. He stares out at the rain falling beyond the store’s awning and feels his heart drop. “Looks like we’re going to be here for a while.”

Kuroo hums in response and leans back against his arms. “Man, if only this store was open. We could at least get some food while we wait out the rain. I’m sure you’re pretty hungry too, aren’t you?” He turns to look at Kenma, who only shrugs and keeps his eyes trained on the rain-splattered pavement.

 Nothing but the sound of the raindrops could be heard for a long moment as Kuroo continued to stare at the blond, not saying a word.

Finally he heaves a sigh and looks away, a hand rising to rub the back of his neck. “Okay, look. Whatever stupid thing I did, I’m sorry, okay? I really mean it. The apology I mean, not whatever I did because trust me, whatever the fuck I did, I did not mean to do it-“

“It’s fine.” Kenma cuts him short. “It’s not your fault anyway, no need to apologize.”

“Really?” Kuroo says in relief without thinking. “I-I mean, no, it was obviously my fault. I kept pushing you until you hit your limit, even though you clearly didn’t want to talk about it-“

“Kuroo, please.” Kenma sighed exasperatedly. “It’s fine, okay?  You’re forgiven, even if it wasn’t really your fault.” The blond adds in a mutter.

 _Oh thank god._ Kuroo can’t help but think as he gives a small relieved sigh. His gaze lingers on Kenma for a moment before turning away, eyes wandering to look at the gray, rainy scenery beyond the awning, no more words exchanged between them.

“I’m sorry.”

Kuroo looks up at Kenma in surprise. “What?”

“I’m sorry.” The blond repeats, still refusing to look at the other.

A pause. “For what?”

Kenma sighs, eyebrows knitting together in a look of slight anxiety. “For…that outburst just now, and…everything else I guess.” He lowers his head, his hair creating a curtain shielding his face from view.

Kuroo raises his eyebrows and chuckles. If the atmosphere hadn’t been so serious, he would have gladly pointed out how cute the pudding-haired teenager looked right now. Instead, he sidles closer to the other and leans back against the step behind them. “Hey, it’s all right. You don’t have to apologize for anything.”

Kenma looks up and their eyes meet for a brief moment before the blond looks away again. Kuroo however, holds his gaze and waits, sensing that the other still has more to say.

“I don’t think I deserve to become the official setter.”A pause. “I’m just not cut out for it.”

Kuroo hums as his gaze moves away from Kenma, who continues, “I just don’t think I’m that great of a setter to become the official one for the team. Sure, I may not be that bad, but I’m not that good either. I still lack a lot of skills a setter should have and I still need a lot of practice. I’m not as confident as you or the others are either and…I don’t think I can handle the pressure of being an official setter.”

“Somehow when you add an ‘official’ to the title, it makes it look so important and significant. A setter is an important member of the team, but an ‘official’ setter has so much more riding on him. As the official setter, you get to play in the most important matches and everyone expects you to do well. Everyone is depending on you and your toss so the team can score and win the match.”

“It’s like everyone is watching your every move, making sure that you do everything right, and when you screw up even once – everybody sees it.”

The rain begins to come down harder, sounding like bullets on the awning’s roof.  Kenma sighs and places both his hands on either side of him.

“There’s just so much responsibility with being the official setter of the team and I don’t think I can handle that. It’s not because I’m being lazy and just don’t want to do it, it’s more because…there’s only so much pressure that I can take and…I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I’m not good enough to become the setter, that everybody will think I’m not good enough. I’m afraid that I’ll screw up somewhere and cost us the match and everybody will know – that it’s all my fault.”

“I just don’t think I can do it, okay? I’m not skilled enough, not nearly as confident enough, and besides…there are probably a dozen other guys who are better and more suited at becoming the official setter than me. “

As Kenma finishes, he looks to Kuroo for a reaction of any sort, only to find him with his head thrown back, facing the ceiling and staring off into space. Kenma wasn’t even sure if he had really been listening to him or not. _Oh well._ He sighs inwardly and turns away. _Forget it._

“Do you know why I wanted you to join the volleyball club with me?”

Kenma quirks an eyebrow as he looks to Kuroo. “Huh?”

“It was because of how lonely you looked.” The dark-haired teenager continues, ignoring Kenma. “You were always by yourself, playing games on your console. You looked so lonesome that I couldn’t help but want to change that. That’s why I was always trying to get you to play volleyball with me, even if you weren’t exactly into it at first. I hated seeing you so alone and volleyball was the only thing I could think of to get you to break out of that awkward shell of yours. I thought that, maybe, if I tried hard enough and got you into volleyball, maybe then you wouldn’t be so lonely anymore.”

Kenma blinks and stares at Kuroo in stunned silence, a tight feeling beginning to swell in his chest, like it was about to burst into a million pieces at any moment. “But what does that have to d-?”

 “Of course, you’re still as much of an introvert now as you were back then. Maybe even more.” Kuroo continues with a snicker which Kenma returns with a glare. “But now, you’re a lot less lonely than you were before. Ever since you joined the volleyball club, you didn’t seem as lonesome. I’m right, aren’t I?”

He gives Kenma one of his famous grins and the blond quickly looks away. “Well…I guess you aren’t wrong. At least not entirely.”

Kuroo laughs and edges closer to Kenma. “Well then, don’t you think that I wouldn’t have made you go into the volleyball club with me if that was the only reason for it?”

Kenma blinks and frowns at Kuroo. “What do you mean?”

Kuroo smiles knowingly and shrugs. “Think about it – even if volleyball was the only way that I could think of to get you to open up more, don’t you think that forcing you to join the volleyball club simply because of that would be a little too controlling?”

The blond simply sat there, staring at Kuroo confusedly. “I still don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”

The dark-haired teen sighed and ran a hand through his messy bedhead, serving to mess it up even more. “What I mean is, I wouldn’t have convinced you to join the volleyball club if I didn’t think that you could actually do it. Sure, I kind of hoped that by joining the volleyball club and getting more into volleyball, you’d start being more open and outgoing. But making you join only because I wanted you to be more outgoing would have been a complete waste – having you in the team would be no use unless you could actually play, even just a little. And anyway, we could always play volleyball any time we wanted, even if you weren’t in the club and even if you weren’t so good at it. So then, why do you think I still wanted you to join the club with me?”

Kenma was stunned to silence by Kuroo’s words and for a long time, he could only stare at him with wide golden eyes, unsure of what to say or do. When a full minute passed with neither of them saying anything, Kuroo grinned and shook his head at Kenma, as if he was saying, _I can’t believe you haven’t even guessed yet._

“It was because I knew you could do it, idiot.” He said. “Why else would I want you to join? I wouldn’t have recommended the volleyball club to you if you really sucked at it. Sure, you could use a little more practice, but you have a lot of potential. And besides…” Here, Kuroo pauses and takes the time to stare long and hard at Kenma. Feeling uncomfortable under such scrutiny, the blond tried not to visibly squirm under the other’s gaze and instead returned it with a bewildered frown.

His eyes lock with Kuroo’s and a light-headed feeling suddenly overcomes Kenma. The knot in his chest grows tighter and this time, a kind of tingling warmth accompanies it.

Kuroo’s face breaks out into a smile – a true, genuine smile full of kindness and encouragement – and he laughs. “The team would never be complete without their brain.”

And then Kenma’s heart skips a beat, he feels the heat rising to his face and his mind is abuzz. All because of the sight of that smile. But it wasn’t like this was the first time this had happened. It had happened to Kenma a hundred times before already - but you’d think that he’d get used to it and come to terms with it by now. The truth was much too far from that.

Kenma immediately tried to suppress it and hide it as much as possible. Looking away, he kept an impassive expression on his face and his eyes fixed on the ground. “So…do you really think I could become a good enough setter?”

Kuroo snorted and shook his head once again. “How many times must I tell you until you believe me? Of course I think so.  Not only me, but the whole team thinks so too.”

Kenma raised his eyebrows. “The whole team?”

“Yeah.” Kuroo nods. “You may not think so, but they really do think that you’re a great setter. They all have tremendous faith in you. So you don’t have to worry about them blaming you if you screw up or if you’re not the perfect setter. Mistakes happen and everyone has their flaws, that much they understand. Don’t belittle them by assuming that they won’t even understand that.”

“And we’re a team. A team isn’t composed of just one person, so you don’t have to carry all that doubt and insecurity by yourself.” Suddenly, Kenma feels something brushing lightly against his fingertips. Looking down, he notices that Kuroo’s hand has now inched closer to his and seems to be struggling to decide whether to hold Kenma’s or not. And as the blond glances up at the hand’s owner, there was no mistaking the light streak of red across Kuroo’s cheeks despite his serious expression. The sight made Kenma himself blush.

“Whatever problems and doubts you’re facing, just know that you can always depend on us.” Kuroo’s voice is completely level and steady, betraying none of the emotion that is shown by the blush on his face and the restlessness of his gestures. “You know that it’s bad for your health to keep all these things to yourself, right? That’s why you have to trust us. No matter what, we’ll always be there to listen to you and understand. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

His voice trails off into silence before the seriousness in his expression disappears and he grins at Kenma. “So have you made up your mind yet?”

The blond scowls at him and instinctively pulls his hand away. “Do you really expect me to come to a decision that quickly?”

“Well with that really inspirational talk I just gave you, maybe.” Kuroo shrugs.

Kenma sighs and shakes his head, unable to believe that this was the guy he considered to be his closest friend. “You’re hopeless.”

“Oh look, the rain’s stopped.”

Sure enough, the sound of the falling raindrops had all but subsided and already the sky was beginning to look clearer. The air smelled of moist, damp earth and the puddles the rain left on the ground were smooth, reflective pools.

Kenma got up and walked out from under the awning. Brushing back a few strands of stray hair, he stared up at the light gray clouds dusting the sky. “Should we get going then?” He asks Kuroo. The other doesn’t respond immediately and Kenma waits for a moment before turning to look at him, frowning. “Hey, did you hear me?”

Much to his surprise, he finds that Kuroo had been staring at him the whole time, a faint smile on his face. “Huh?” The dark-haired teen blinks and seemed to realize just what he had been doing. His face turns a bright shade of red as he gets up and nods. “U-Uh yeah, sure, let’s go!” he laughs nervously as he half-walks, half-runs past Kenma. The blond stares after him for a moment before running to catch up, eventually managing to fall into pace beside the other.

The two walk along the street in silence for a long moment, both not sure whether to initiate conversation or not, until Kenma speaks up. “Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“…Did you really mean it? When you said that you thought I could do it.”

Kuroo raises an eyebrow. “Yeah, how many times have I told you now? I’ve always believed that you could do anything if you only set your mind to it.” He pauses and looks away to hide the growing blush on his cheeks. “And I guess…if this is any comfort…even if no one else believes you can do it…I always have and I always will.”

The last sentence came out as a mutter that only Kuroo was meant to hear but Kenma still heard it all the same. He glances up at the taller male for the shortest second before looking away himself, feeling his face heat up.

 He suddenly becomes painfully aware of the distance between their bodies as they walk, the number of inches between his hand and Kuroo’s, and the blond thinks about how little it would take to simply close that short distance between them.

And yet, even now, there is still something stopping him. The same thing that has always been stopping him every time he feels that strange, warm sensation in his chest, every time he sees Kuroo’s smile and every time he feels like closing the short distances he always seems to notice between them now.

It was like a transparent barrier between them. Sometimes, you couldn’t really see it and all you saw was whatever was on the other side – that one thing that you wanted to reach no matter what. But the moment your hand was outstretched and ready to grab it, your fingertips brush only the barrier’s see-through but solid walls and that’s when you realize just how close you are, yet just how far away as well. And unless you tear it down somehow, you are never going to get to whatever’s on the other side.

Kenma saw that barrier nearly everyday, all throughout his life in fact. A glass barrier, with a few cracks here and there, but still as solid as rock. And no matter how much he tried, he could never seem to be able to break it or tear it down.

And he was only just beginning to realize that maybe Kuroo too had his own barriers that he couldn’t break. Whenever Kenma looked at Tetsurou Kuroo, he always seemed to be brimming with confidence, that grin of his seeming to have been glued permanently to his face. Looking at him, you wouldn’t have thought that he even knew what insecurities were. But who knows what that easygoing façade hid. Maybe he had his own troubles to worry about too. And maybe he was just as lost and as hopeless as Kenma was at breaking down that barrier.

Suddenly Kenma realized that maybe he and Kuroo weren’t so different from each other after all. All this time, he had always thought of Kuroo as his exact opposite – the confident, laidback captain of the volleyball club with his famous shit-eating grin whose charms no one could resist. (Not even Kenma.)

And the sudden realization of this made Kenma realize another thing. Maybe the reason why he was always being stopped by these barriers was because he himself was the one stopping him. Maybe it was his own doubts and insecurities that were blocking the way, preventing him from completely tearing down that wall.

And he realized – nothing was ever going to change unless he did something about it.

Despite the slight hesitation that still lingered underneath his skin, Kenma reached out and wrapped his cold fingers around Kuroo’s own. He kept his head bowed but he felt Kuroo’s hand flinch at the sudden contact before slowly and shyly gripping onto Kenma’s hand. So warm. So gentle.

“I’ll give it a shot.”

Kenma almost didn’t recognize the voice that had escaped his mouth. The almost confident tone in it didn’t sound at all like him. Even Kuroo looked surprised, his head whipping around quickly to look at the blond, as if making sure it was really him who had spoken and not someone else.

But that expression of surprise soon dissolved into one of relief, an easy smile spreading across Kuroo’s face. “That’s…great.”

And quite despite himself, Kenma Kozume finds a small smile spreading across his features as they continue to make their way home on that rainy afternoon.

He couldn’t break down his own barriers by himself. Even if he realized that he was the only thing hindering his path, it was still admittedly going to take some time. But it wasn’t too late to start. And even if he didn’t know just what Kuroo’s barriers were made of, and even if he didn’t know what he could possibly do, he was still going to do his best to help him.

Kenma was still hesitant. A part of his uncertain, doubtful self still remained, but he knew that with this person by his side, maybe that could just change. And maybe he could change Kuroo as well.

One step at a time, together.

**Author's Note:**

> Ahh, this is my first time writing for this pairing and for this fandom so I'm pretty insecure myself. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue writing anything for KuroKen week, but I'm pretty excited for Day 3 (Date/Reincarnation)
> 
> But uhh,yeah, I really hope this was okay and kudos or comments would be nice ^^


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